I can’t bake. There, I said it. Put a spatula and a box of cake mix in my hands. Stand back. A task seemingly dummy proof ultimately results in one heaping, hot mess. The more colorful the requests- a unicorn cake, sparkle rainbow frosting, or multi-layer “surprise,” somehow produce the masterpieces now affectionally known as ugly cake.
Rainbow Cake (aka Ugly Cake #1)
I love Publix. I also love my friends and marvel at some of their incredible baking skills. If you can imagine it, they can bake it and decorate it. They are a phone call away and always willing and able to save me from baking disasters. That was until my four-year-old decided to order her cake directly from me.
She wanted a rainbow sparkle cake. I showed her pictures of gorgeous creations from my favorite bakers online. The images only inspired her to dream bigger….. of what I could create for her. No amount of bribery worked. I was the only person for the job.
I pulled out my “new” seven-year-old Kitchen Aid mixer and the “fail safe” cake mixes. Directions were followed to a “T” only deviating to add some food color. But the baked cake wouldn’t come out of the pans. I went online following the suggestions from who I thought were seasoned bakers (perhaps they weren’t any better
than myself). Hours later, my husband found me crying in the kitchen and attempting to mold the cake-frosting mixture into the shape of a cake. Ugly cake was born.
You should’ve seen the looks on their faces. Eyes wide. Mouths open. The ugly cake was set on the dining room table for my daughter’s birthday. My mother looked at me like the cake was sprouting legs and about to dash off the table. My daughter jumped up, clapped her hands, “I love it, Mommy! It’s the best cake ever.”
Well, okay. It was her birthday.
Surprise Cake (aka Ugly Cake #2)
Ugly cake was such a hit that big sister also requested not one but two cakes for her sixth birthday. I smooth talked my way out of one of the cakes. The other was to be a multi-color four layer cake with white frosting for her birthday party. I got the cakes out of the pan this time. But the lopsided layers required extra frosting to prevent the towering cake from collapsing. How much extra? In all, three cans of frosting were used. Yep, three for one cake.
Like her sister, the cake was a masterpiece. She demanded her father take a picture and send it to a friend who is one of those amazing bakers.
Her friends arrived at the party and all she could talk about was “my mommy’s cake.” Don’t oversell it, kid.
This ugly cake was met with the same reactions- wide eyes, open mouths, joy and this time, utter disgust. It was deemed the “worst” cake one child had tasted. Another asked me if it was okay to eat. Yes, it’s ugly and loaded with sugar but entirely edible. When it came to the person whose opinion matter the most, those words fell on deaf ears. She was entirely too absorbed in eating to hear anything over her muffled groans of utterly delight.
Be forewarned- if you ever come over for a birthday, you may be served ugly cake.
